Cullens At Walmart
by InsertRandomPenNameHere
Summary: If possible, Alice's grin turned even bigger as she handed each of us a sheet of paper. On the paper, it read :Things NOT To Do At Wal-Mart...uh-oh. *this is my first fanfiction ever, im still really new to the whole thing, please be nice : *
1. Chapter 1

Cullens At Walmart  
10 years after breaking dawn; Renesmee is 10 years old but is  
physically frozen at 17 and is dating Jacob.

I DON'T OWN ANYTHING.

Chapter 1 - Quality Family Time

EmmettPOV  
"I won that fair and square!"  
"Emmett, I think we all know that you've cheated" Damn Jasper, smart-  
ass.  
It was a typical saturday for the cullens: Rose, Alice, Bella, Esme,  
and Carlisle were out shopping, well Carlisle was forced to go along  
by his "oh-so-sweet-wife" Esme to carry the bags while the girls  
shopped. And Jasper, Nessie, Edward and I were chilling at home.  
"Uncle Emmett, Uncle Jasper, seriously, it's JUST A GAME!" Nessie shot  
from upstairs.  
"Well my dear niece, it's not JUST a game, it's fricken Call Of Duty!"  
"sure, sure. Whatever" gosh, what is up with the female species these  
days? Oh well, they just don't get it.  
"Did I just hear someone say COD?" Jacob's head poked around the  
corner, his eyes got as wide as Rosalie's boobs (Edward,"FOR GODS SAKE  
EMMETT! GET YOU HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER!" I ignored him. Heeheehee)  
when he spotted the case lying on the floor."Awesome duuude!" we  
bumped fists. Nessie, who wasn't all that impressed that Jacob just  
chose COD over spending time with her, shot a glare in our direction.  
I smirked back at her, smug. Jacob, noticing our small exchange,  
realized his mistake and quickly recovered.  
"umm...but...err, I would much rather, uh, spend some quality time  
with my beautiful, precious Nessie." He stuttered, and signed a sigh  
of relief as a smile lit up Nessie's face. Traitor.  
Ever since the volturi inccident 10 years ago, Jake had become part of  
the family, even Rose warmed up to him a little, but the blond jokes  
and comments about dog stink were still here and there once in a  
while. But the dowside is that, sometimes the whole imprinting thing  
is just going a bit overboard.  
At that moment, the girls walked through the door looking hot while  
Carlisle, or more like a mountain of shopping bags, stumbled in behind  
them.  
"Everyone in the kitchen in 5 minutes. Family meeting!" Alice called  
out, grinning like crazy. "And Jake, you might want to call some of  
you're friends over as well."  
Huh, what's pixie up to now? I thought.  
*5 minutes later*  
everyone was gathered around the kitchen table, the cullens, Jacob,  
embry, quil, Paul, seth, and Jared.  
Alice looked excited; Edward looked slightly amused, Jasper looked  
content, Bella somewhat scared and everyone else just looked confused.  
"so, I was thinking, we rarely spend any quality family time anymore.  
And, being the amazing me that I am, I've planned something fun that  
we could do as a family!"  
"Aww Alice I was just thinking the same thing." Esme said lovingly.  
At that point, she was so excited that she started bouncing in her  
chair, which caused Jasper to be just as excited and was projecting  
the excitement to the people sitting closest to him, pretty soon, i  
was jumping up and down and yelling "WEEEEEE!" and let me tell you, it  
was FUN! But then I had to stop because Rose threatened no sex for 3  
days if I didn't calm down soon and act my age. Then I tried  
explaining that if I act my age, I'd be dead. AHAHA! I am so FUNNY!  
she just ignored me and rolled her eyes. I pouted.  
"So as I was saying," Alice continued after Jasper finally managed to  
calm her down. "tomorrow, all 15 of us are going to go to walmart!"  
"YAAYY! I love Walmart!" I squealed excitedly. I mean, they've got the  
coolest toys ever!  
Everyone gave me a weird look.  
Geez can't a guy squeal without questioning anymore these days!  
Edward just shook his head and sighed. Stupid mind reader.  
Rosalie looked like she was choking on dog food. "WHAT? I refuse to  
be within a 2 mile radius from...Walmart!" she shuttered after hissing  
out "Walmart" like the word itself is poisonous.  
Bella looked shocked - Alice didn't exactly make her hatred for  
walmart a huge secret either.  
If possible, Alice's grin turned even bigger as she handed each of us  
a sheet of paper. On the paper, it read :

Things NOT To Do At Wal-Mart:  
1. Scream random non-sense into the announcement system  
2. Run around and poke people, then whisper "you have just been poked"  
in an evil voice  
3. Put condoms and/or tampons into peoples carts when they're not  
looking  
4. Run around and hug everyone  
5. Go into a changeroom then yell "OMG THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!"  
6. Use tomato juice/sauce and make a trail leading to the women's  
washroom  
7. Follow random people around just to annoy them, when they talk to  
you, giggle at everything they say and don't reply  
8. Hide in clothes racks and tell shoppers that they look fat/ugly in  
whatever they're wearing and tell them to "buy me"  
9. Chuck rubber balls at people and yell "THE BRITISH ARE COMING!"  
10. Renact a scene from a pg 13 movie in the toy section  
11. Talk to non-animated objects as if they are you're babies  
12. Pretend to be a manniquin while dressed in ridiculous outfits  
13. Make out/do rated-R things inside the store  
14. Walk up to an employee and DEMAND a piggy back ride  
15. Start crying in the most crowded section of the store, then scream  
for 3 minutes, then jump up and down and laugh while clapping your  
hands, then back to crying. Then walk off like nothing happened.

"sooo...what's you're point...?" I was very so confuzzled.  
She sighed a dramatic sigh and replied, "we're gonna do all of those  
things listed there of course. Duh!"  
But I wasn't listening to her, cause I just had an amazing idea—"OMG!  
I have a great idea! We should actually DO THESE THINGS!" I was soooo  
rebeelllll!  
"um...Emmett thats what i just said."  
Oh, well thanks for ruining my moment.  
Edward snorked (yes, that's my word for snorted and smirked combined.  
"God emmett, you are just too smart to be true" I told myself)  
And with that, Edward burst out laughing.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - Cow On The Loose On Aisle 21  
*The next day*

I DON'T OWN ANYTHING.

AlicePOV

I gotta admitt, I am such a wonderful, genius pixie to think of this  
one. I thought to myself as I sang along to TicToc by some drunk  
chick, whatshername, (Ke$ha?) on our way to the nearest Wal-mart.

~now the party don't start till I walk in...~  
Oh how true is that?

*10 minutes later*  
We were all standing at the entrance of Walmart when a vision hit me  
— Emmett was running around the store yelling his head off and had  
a...lacy bra on his head...? — I shook that one aside, knowing  
Emmett, it wasn't all that surprising...  
"OKAY! Who's ready to have some fun?" Emmett roawred with a huge smile  
on his face, causing an old (and when I said old, I meant ANCIENT)  
woman to fall out of the bench she'd been sitting on and caught the  
attention of a group of teenagers to gawk at us, Jared snickered.  
"Hell yeah!" everyone shouted back, just as excited. I can't believe  
even Carlisle and Esme agreed to this, but the more the merrier right?  
"Kay so number one...'Scream random non-sense into the announcement  
system.' who would like to do that?" I asked, all business.  
"Ooh! Oooh! Pick me, pick me , pick MEEE!" Emmett hopped around  
excitedly and waving his hands in the air like some eager first  
grader. Altogether, he looked like he was doing he human "pee-pee dance"  
I giggled and my jazzykinz wrapped his arms around my waist. "sure  
Emmett, i'll go and distract an employee so you could use the  
speaker." i've already seen this work, of course, but to make  
everything more fun, I started singing the Barney theme song to block  
my thoughts and to annoy Edward.  
Edward groaned.  
Haha, sucker.  
Back to business, I walked up to a 20-something-year-old male employee  
and got to work as my family and the pack hid behind some shelves to  
watch the show.

EdwardPOV

"I wonder if Laurent will let me go home early today...I gotta get a  
new job, this is a complete waste of time. Maybe I should work at a  
club or something...hmmm..." the employee, James, thought as he stared  
into space, not aware of alice approching him.  
"Hello." Alice said brightly as she walked up to him, smiling the  
"dazzle" kind of smile that we cullens use when we want to get  
something.

"WOW! This chick is H. O. T! I wonder if she's single...? Hmm, maybe I  
could take her to my place, my parents are out tonight..."  
Jasper must've felt the lust rolling off of James because he started  
to growl and thinking of ways to make sure James won't ever be able to  
reproduce.  
"the loser still lives with his parents" I whispered. Bella giggled,  
and I marvaled at the beautiful sound.  
All that took less then a second of course, and James stuttered,  
"uh...hi, how may I help you ma'am?" pathetic, he was actually trying  
to sound seductive.  
Alice smiled again. "Im new here, would you mind showing me around a  
little?" she fluttered her eyelashes at the poor guy.  
"Wow, she's asking ME to show her around? I knew I had the charm!"  
"yeah, sure no problem" then he WINKED at Alice! And off they went to  
the opposite direction of where we were hiding.  
Emmett carefully came out of our hiding place and went to the speaker,  
trying to look totally at ease and pretending to be a walmart  
employee, he picked up the phone. "this is gonna be good" he thought.  
With an evil smirk on his face — "EVIL ALIEN COW ON AISLE 21!  
Everyone stay calm-! hang on a sec, my girlfriend would like to know  
if anyone has a tampon she could use?"  
"WHAT?" Rosalie shrieked, probably doing permanent damage to my  
sensitive vampire ears."Emmett I swear to god, no sex for a WEEK!"  
Rosalie hissed angrily as the wolves burst out in hysterical laughter,  
even Bella was laughing pretty hard, and I gotta admit, the look on  
Rosalie's face, priceless!  
"NOOOO! Rose! I can't live without jumping your bones...!"  
Now THAT just made Rosalie even more angry than she already was  
before. If she was human, her face would've been tomato red. Without  
a word, she stomped over to Emmett - who by the way was still speaking  
into the speaker- took the speaker from him, and growled in a deadly  
dangerous voice. "Emmett. McCarthy. Cullen. I. Hope. You. Get. Eaten.  
By. The. Evil. Alien. Cow!" and stomped off.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"You have just been poked"

To samarah35, Wolfgirl AndreaBlack, rebelchick28, and romeondjuliet4-ever - Thank you SOO much for reviewing the last 2 chapters! And thanks to everyone that subscribed/favourited You guys are the best 3

Sorry but this isn't my best chapter :(

I don't own anything.

CarlislePOV

"Soooo…number 2 would be…" Alice scanned the list in her hand, "Run around and poke people, then whisper "you have just been poked" in an evil voice. Who want to do this one?" As if she doesn't already know.

Oh what the heck.

"I'll do it." I volunteered.

Everyone but Edward and Alice looked shocked at my words. I ignored their reactions and walked up to an elderly woman. She eyed me warily.

I poked her shoulder.

"You have just been poked…MUAHAHAHAHAAA!" huh, that was a really Alice-ish evil laugh…gotta work on that next time.

Then I walked up to a 20-something girl and poked her arm, "You have just been poked," and I wiggled my eyebrows up and down like a villain on tv. Then, to my surprise – and horror – the girl started batting her eyelashes at me. Oh god no! as if I didn't get _enough _of that everyday at the hospital! After that I just ignored her and walked back to my family, who, by the way, were laughing their heads off with the exception of Esme. She was shooting daggers at the poor girl, man, if looks could kill. I quickly returned to her side and wrapped an arm around her waist.

"You are mine, and mine _only_." She told me sternly.

"Of course love." I kissed her cheek and she giggled.

*5 minutes later*

*poke* "You have just been poked"

*poke* "MUAHAHAHAHAAA!"

*poke* "heeheeheeee…"

This was fun! I should've listened to some of Alice's ideas _ages _ago, they're not all that bad; Until…

*POKE* "You have ju -"

"AAAAAAAHHHHH! RAAAPE!" The 30-something _dude_ screamed. I did NOT see that one coming. But for some reason, I had a feeling that Alice did, and from the corner of my eye, I saw Edward nod. Damn that pixie!

Before the guy that I just poked could turn around, I ran (using human speed) out of there! Thank god there weren't many people around—

"excuse me sir!" I turned around and saw a rather large security guard  
waddling over to me, the dude has had waayyy to much calories.  
"Yes?" I answered nonchalantly.  
"sir did you just touch that man-" he pointed the man that I just  
poked, who was now shaking and hyperventilating."in an intimate way?"  
"No I didn't" I answered truthfully.  
"Oh, well, keep your hands to yourself" He warned me like a teacher  
scolding a 6-year-old and walked away.  
By now, my family who were hiding in an aisle nearby, watching, were  
laughing so hard, that if they were human, they would be wetting their  
pants. I walked over to them, keeping a pokerface.  
"That...was...so...FUNNY!" I glared at Alice. That was her fault.  
"That guy thought you were going to drag him into the woods and do  
things that I don't even want to think about with him." Edward laughed.

Poor Jasper was laughing even harder than everyone else, considering that everyone's emotions were thrown at him, I felt bad for him, only a little though.

Huh, no embarrassing comment from Emmett? I looked around, but I  
couldn't see Emmett anywhere.  
"Hey guys, where is Emmett?" I asked.  
"he's still begging Blondie to forgive him " Paul answered.

"Alright, moving on…" Alice started.


	4. Good News Bad News

Author's note: Hey guys, sorry I know how much everyone hate these things but I HAVE GOOD AND BAD NEWS!

So the bad news is that Im having a writer's block at the moment so it'll probably take some time before I can upload the next chapter.

But the GOOD NEWS is that I am almost finished a one-shot called "A Starry Night". It's about Jacob proposing to Renesmee. I will upload it as soon as I can.

Again, thank you soo much for the reviews and favourites, you guys are THE BEST!

JessieCullenBlack xoxo


	5. Chapter 5

**I AM SOOO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING IN FOREVER! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.**

**Anyways, here's the next chapter, enjoy! :)**

**ooh and Please review, or your next visit to walmart would be unforgettable... :) muahahahaaa!**

**i own nothing!**

Paul's POV

Food food food food food food I NEED FOOD!  
"Shut up and we'll get you some food!" The mind reader snapped.  
"okay, thanks" I smiled innocently.  
"So," *munch munch* "Whats the next thing" *munch munch* "on the list?" *BURP*. I asked while finishing my third A&W Grandpa burger.  
Pixie shot me a disgusted look before taking out the piece of paper from her purse and muttered "announcement, done; poke, done." then she announced, "put condoms slash pads or tampons into people's shopping carts!"  
"Hell yeah!" Emmett boomed.  
"Umm...interesting..." Nessie said, somewhat uncomfortable.  
Edward just pinched the bridge of his nose. Spoil sport much?  
"OOHH CAN I DO THIS ONE?" I begged.  
"Sure Paul" Alice answered.  
"YAY! Come on slowpokes, let's go!"

3 minutes later...

"Alright home dawgs-smirk-watch and learn."  
I made my way to a row of condoms and grabbed a few off the shelf and sneaked up behind a nerdy-looking teenager who was shopping with his mom, while humming "Mission Impossible" theme song to myself the whole time. I swiftly dropped a package of small sized condoms into their cart when their backs were turned and quickly walked away to join everyone else who were watching me from the next aisle, laughing hysterically.  
Suddenly Pixie had a blank look on her face for a few seconds before she burst out giggling.  
"wait for it," she said. "four, three, two, on-"  
"MICHAEL NEWTON!" a woman's voice screamed from the previous aisle. "EXPLAIN YOURSELF YOUNG MAN!"  
Jasper carefully moved aside two bottles of shampoo to create a somewhat wide gap, allowing us to peak into the aisle with the screaming mother.  
We took a look at the scene in front of us and exploded, howling with laughter. The woman, who we assumed was the mother, was screaming at her son Michael while waving the pack of condoms in his face, which, by the way, were bright red.  
"What...I...not mine...but..."a flabberghast Michael stuttered, trying to explain when suddenly his eyes got big as gaze fell on us. We quickly scrambled out of the way and the shampoo bottles were put back to their original positions.  
"Mom I swear I didn't put it there! THEY threw it in as a joke!" We watched through another tiny gap as he pointed to our original peephole that was now bottles of shampoo and hairspray.  
"Michael do not lie because all I see right now are a shelf of hair products. you are lucky that we're in a store and I'm not making a fuss!-" I snickered. "-but this is NOT over. Wait until your fathe hears about this!" And she stomped off with poor Michael tailing her trying to explain.  
"BAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" we REALLY couldn't hold it in any longer.  
Then I quietly walked up behind an old man waiting in the check-out line and tapped him on the shoulder, when he finally managed to turn around, I slipped a bag of tampons under his groceries using my inhuman speed. We werewolves might not be as fast as a vampire in our human form, but we're still faster than an average human.  
"Yes?" The man asked.  
"Huh? What?" I pretended like I didn't know what he was talking about.  
"Nevermind." and he turned back towards his cart.  
I quickly walked back to where everyone was standing and watched as the cashier checked out his items. When the cashier grabbed the bag of tampons, the look on the man's face was priceless, he looked like he was going to have a heart attack and stuttered, "What is this? I did NOT put this here!...Oh the shame! This is a disgrace..." he continued muttering before the cashier asked, "Do you want these tampons or not?" the man's eye twitched slightly and almost yelled "NO!".  
By now, everyone was in hysterics and Alice was trying - and failing - to keep the video camera she was holding steady.  
Suddenly Alice ha one of her "vision-face" thingy.  
"guys, the store securities are gonna kick us out of Walmart in about 2 minutes."  
"Lets got outside for a while then, and we can come back later." Esme suggested.  
Everyone agreed and made our way outside.  
"Guys, where'd Emmett and Jasper go?" I asked, noticing they were nowhere to be seen.  
"Alice, why are you translating Brittney Spears songs into Pig Latin?" Edward asked suspiciously.  
Blocking her thoughts. Duh!  
"blocking my thoughts. Duh!" she answered. That's kind of creepy.  
"oh my god..." Edward's mouth fell open as we heard a scream from inside Walmart.

**heehee, cliffie!**

**Reviews make me update faster, *hint hint* ;)**


	6. Chapter 6

**THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR REVIEWING GUYS! YOU PEOPLE ARE THE BEST :)**

**anyways here's the new chapter(that was pretty fast right?)**

**ENJOY!**

**I own nothing**

Didn't See That One Coming...Except Alice

Jasper's POV  
Why did I ever agree to do this? Oh right, because I was an idiot. That, and also because Emmett blackmailed me.

*Flashback*

"Alice, honey, is the really nessecary?" I whined while she measured every length of my body, believe me when I say EVERY length - shoulders, arms, chest, waist, legs, EVERYTHING (Yes I know what you're thinking readers, but this is rated T).

"Of course! Rose and Emmett's wedding is in 2 weeks, we HAVE to make sure your tuxedo fit perfectly." Alice chirped. "Ugh! Rose should be here by now! I'm going to call her" and she danced downstairs to use the phone. I watched as her tiny figure disappeared around the corner.

I sighed and looked around our room. Something ice-blue and glittery caught my attention - Alice's maid of honour dress. Suddenly I felt strangely giddy and...admiration as I gazed at the dress, which drove me to do what I did next. I quickly changed out of my tuxedo, checking outside our door and down the stairs, where Alice was giving Rose a very detailed description of her dress(which was probably explained the emotions I felt towards the dress, later I realized). I locked the door and Took the dress off the hanger and squeezed my 6'2 body into a 4'9 size 0 dress.

And then everything happened really fast-

"HOLY GUCCI STILETTOS!" Alice.

"BAM!" Door.

"Flash!"

I immediately looked over at the door, Alice stood in the doorway, her eyes wide and frantic with surprise and her jaw dropped. She was radiating fury and surprise. If the situation wasn't so embarrassing, I'd laugh at her expression. I looked over to the window, where the "Flash!" came from, and there was Emmett, wearing a HUGE smug grin on his face, with a camera in his hands.

Let's just say that night wasn't too pretty.

*end of flashback*

"Why me?" I muttered to myself.

"Because Eddie's a wimpy party-popper." Emmett answered the rhetorical question cheerfully as we sneaked into the pet shop across the street from Walmart.

"Okay, Jazz, you go buy the chickens while I go get some stickers." Emmett instructed.

After some "CLUUUCK!"s, feathers, chicken poop, stickers, and permanent markers later, we had 20 very irratated-looking chickens each with a sticker on the back of their neck, every sticker had a number from 1 to 22, no chickens has the numbers 19 and 20. Perfect. Ugh! Now Emmett's making me all excited and giddy.

We put all the chickens in a huge cage and quickly sneaked into the back entrance of Walmart without drawing attention to ourselves, which was pretty impressive. I mean, it's not everyday that you see 2 huge guys wearing designer clothes handeling a cage of chickens, right?

We made our way to one of those "Employees only" room and set the chickens loose. ("they grow up so fast" Emmett dry sobbed. "Bye Gabe, I'll miss you baby..." Honestly, sometimes I wonder about the guy.)

And all hell broke loose.

"Aaaahhhhhh!" we heard a shrilly scream from none other but our condom-buddy Michael Newton as chicken number 12 plucked on his pant leg which was a few inches above his ankle.

"Get away from me! These are my good pants!" The poor guy screamed while his mother tried to fight off chicken number 4.

Somewhere on the other side of the store, I heard a distinct "Oh my god" from Edward and our family's laughter.

"Emmett and Jasper Cullen," Carlisle started scolding us, but I could feel waves of amusement coming from him and he was trying his hardest not to burst out laughing. Yeah he was probably doing this for our goodie-two-shoes Eddie's sake. Edward growled as he heard my thoughts. Damn! I'm turning into an Emmett!

Alice, of course, had her video camera and was recording everything while all the employees were busy chasing and catching the chickens before they do any damage.

About half a hour later, all 20 chickens were caught but the employees were still looking through the store trying to find chicken number 19 and 20 ( Emmett: what are they doing? Jasper: they're trying to find chicken number 19 and 20. Emmett: but there are no chicken number 19 and 20. Jasper: exactly, but they don't know that. It was your idea remember? Emmett: Oooh yeah... Rose: *smacks Emmett's head*Emmett: Owwie...) And I've got to admitte, it was pretty amusing to watch...until we got bored of it.

"Now what?" Quil asked.  
"We could go back to the list and..."  
"OR, we could get something to eat." Jacob interrupted, rubbing his stomach. Nessie rolled her eyes and Alice once again pulled out The List.


End file.
